“Who gives a damn about your first love? Give a big round of applause for your second, third or fourth love. Because they taught you love still exists. After you thought it never could again.”
- The difference between lust and love comes to a fine line- a very very fine line that will always remain.
–I could never forget my first “love”. My first real relationship- actually, my FIRST relationship, ever. Being the child I was, the girl I grew up to be- finding “love” and relationships were the least of my worries. I can not quite even come to remember what my goals were then- possibly, winning at kick ball or even wishing that damn ice cream truck would come down our street.
-Love is a losing game.
But kick ball never was- I like to believe I always had the strongest of teams. Perhaps this is why I feel “love” is so unanswered and misunderstood- because it was welcomed to me at such a late age.
- Humor, kindness, heart of gold- those were the qualities he had.
It’s funny to remember how everything even began. If you can only imagine as I was a junior in high school drooling over a senior who was well known through basketball.
Ha, drooling? Who does that.
His love was the only one I ever walked away from.
- His love was the only love I ever took advantage of.
Every type of “love” I have encountered solely came from the start of a friendship. This love, this love came from a best friend- a guy who opened my eyes to so much more in the world. From the understanding of broken relationships within his personal life, to the cultural food he made me try- every. damn. time.
That giddy, exciting, addicting kid love.
The kind that makes you want to walk blocks and blocks to make it to their house. The kind that makes you want to skip class to go see him/her because they happen to have an off period from school. The kind that makes you do daring stuff and practically almost have sex in the school hallways.
The easy love.
That easy love I let get away.
The easy love I regret letting get away.
I’ll remember this as it happened yesterday- it was a normal day. Nothing differ to any other- going from one vale to the next- just our little daily routine. My heart was still in it, my happiness was still attached- my crave for his kiss was still upon me. The overwhelming excitement still lingered because I knew I had yet another day in this child like paradise…
I leaned in and knocked.
•As soon as he opened it-
it happened.
•I felt within a second my heart was turned off.
How could this be.
How could I love this man for nearly two years and suddenly- the switch turned off. Suddenly the fact of all the moments I had with him, of all the teddy bears in blown up balloons he gave me on Valentine’s Day, of all the daring times we had sex in his mom’s living room just waiting to get caught, of all the memories I’ll forever take with me from the night I lost my virginity to him.
Of all the reasons as to why I loved him- just disappeared. Of all the reasons as to why he’s loved today- gone.
He.
He was a very lovable, faithful and amazing man.
And yet, my heart.
My heart left him.
08. 